1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
