I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
