When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
