I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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