she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
