My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
