She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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