She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
