I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
