remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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