There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
