My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
