You can't special order awesome
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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