mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
