I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
