Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
