it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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