So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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