i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i will never coherently bang her
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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