I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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