3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Come see our sink grown plant.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
