Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
