my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's shark week go big or go home
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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