I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
