3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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