I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
