I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
