A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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