So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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