What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
