For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
