Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
