I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
