Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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