My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
