Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
