Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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