I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
