Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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