I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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