I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
