I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
