No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
