I heard we made out
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
