This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
