The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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