OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
this will be a night to untag.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You ate ashes out of my bong
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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