I think I am morally bankrupt
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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