i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
