I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
