Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
